Joke 1

A man is awaken in the middle of the night by a crash in his back yard.

He looks outside - only to see a man breaking into his storage shed.

He calls 000 & proceeds to tell them there is someone breaking into his shed. The dispatcher asks if the suspect is armed, and the man answers "No".

The dispatcher then informs the citizen that there are no officers available right then, and as soon as one is available - they will be dispatched.

The man is shocked and asks how long this might take. The dispatcher tells him it could be 10-15 minutes. The man says the thief will be gone by then - but proceeds to hang up.
A couple of minutes later, the dispatcher gets another call from the same address.

The man sounds out of breath, and states

"Well, I just went outside and shot the guy breaking into my shed".

Within seconds, sirens could be heard as cars came flying to the location.

Overhead, the police chopper was circling - shining lights on the back yard.

As the officers pulled up, the man in the shed tried to run - but was immediately caught and taken into custody. He was checked for injuries - but none were found.

The Commander on the scene walks up to the homeowner, and states "I thought you told us you shot this guy".

The homeowner calmly replies "I thought you didn't have any officers available".

Joke 2

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

Joke 3

A policeman pulls a Security Guard over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Policeman: May I see your driver's licence? 
Security Guard: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5^th drink driving charge.

Policeman: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? 
Security Guard: It's not my car. I stole it.

Policeman: The car is stolen? 
Security Guard: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Policeman: There's a gun in the glove box? 
Security Guard: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Policeman: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!? 
Security Guard: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the policeman immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by other police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: 

Captain: Sir, can I see your licence? 
Security Guard: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this? 
Security Guard: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? 
Security Guard: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it. 
Security Guard: No problem. 
Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.
The policeman who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.